Jared reviews the Donkey Kong Country Cartoon - a show he remembers from his childhood.
|Donkey Kong Country Cartoon|
|Upload Date||October 15th 2015|
|Score|| A banana with brown spots out of 10
Jared stares at the screen with his hand over his mouth. He then starts to sing along with the lyrics and waves his arms in the air. He then continues dancing and singing along as the intro to Donkey Kong Country play over him.
The Donkey Kong animated series is one of the lesser known animated series out there. Jared only saw a few episodes as a kid before they disappeared, and then he watched more on cable TV out of curiosity. This show is terrible! He doesn't hate the theme song, it is weirdly catchy and tells you everything you need to know.
The first episode has Cranky Kong spouting out more information than is needed for a children's cartoon show. Jared explains the plot of the show. Jared doesn't understand why the coconut crystal exists. The crystals were seen in Donkey Kong 64, but here there is only one, and it has many kinds of magical powers. It even gives dating advice, and has a bee in it!
DK is an extremely strong guy who is extremely dumb. Diddy acts like a little brother who tries way too hard to hang out with Donkey Kong and is even more annoying. The voice for Diddy is the same voice used for Yoshi in the Super Mario Bros cartoon. Jared can't tell which is worse. Cranky is alright. His voice is what he expected it to sound like.
King K. Rool keeps on being called King Kruel as if it were one word. He acts self important but is kind of dumb. Jared discusses K. Rool's henchmen who have been lifted straight from the game. They are both also dumb. Everybody is stupid! All of the conflicts come up because no one is smart enough to find an easy solution.
It's difficult to like a show where everyone is an idiot. Funky Kong is also in the show. He talks like a surfer dude and offers flights. Candy works in the barrel factory, which is owned by Bluster. Who's Bluster? Cranky explains. Bluster is the worst thing about this show. He looks like a fan character stolen from DeviantArt.
Candy is a bitch. Whenever she has a date with DK, at the slightest hint of an accident, she goes all pissy and calls it off. Jared tells Donkey to look elsewhere.
The animation is terrifying. Something doesn't look right. The lip syncing doesn't even remotely match with what they are saying. All their movements look floaty. Jared respects the decision to go with 3D modeling as it reflects the original game - but they could have at least put some effort into it. Jared understands that people will say that this is the mid-90's, and this is as good as animation got. He counters with Reboot, which came out years earlier, and did it way better. It is one of Jared's favorite shows. Donkey Kong Country could have been better.
This show gets weird. Jared discusses the weird story line of the first episode. The very first episode has magical curses, robot clones, and alchemy! Jared then mentions other weird story lines. The plot of every episode comes down to two things. DK trying to protect the coconut and f***ing it up, or trying to get a date with Candy, and f***ing it up. There is an episode where Crusher uses his impersonation skills to sound like DK is hitting on Dixie Kong! This is wrong on so many levels!
Diddy calls Dixie "Dicks". In every episode, there is a musical number. TWICE! They never happen naturally, and it is obvious that the script says "Song goes here". The songs range from bad to god-awful. Now the clunky animations and lip-syncing are set to music! Donkey Kong's singing voice is actually pretty good. At least he sings well. Jared is horrified by the song lyrics.
There is also a catchphrase. Donkey Kong says "Banana Slammer". It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't overly used. He even uses it when there is no slamming happening. The show did surprisingly well with two seasons and 40 episodes. The series ends with a clip show. It's as if the animators knew that they were done and were clocking out early! Jared felt his brain clock out early. Jared doesn't feel like he was missing anything by not watching this one.
The show could be fine, but it has too many problems. The animation, lack of lip-syncing and the musical numbers ruin the show. The show also has nothing to do with the game. The characters are dumb. It never looks any better, and in the second season, some of the characters look worse.
This cartoon is mostly forgotten. Jared wishes he didn't remember the few episodes he watched as a kid so he didn't have to revisit it. However, the one thing that will stick with him, is that dumb-ass theme song. He starts dancing to the theme song again.
The script Edit
When Jared discusses the musical numbers, he shows a script on the screen with "SONG GOES HERE". Here is what the rest of the script said.
(INT.- CRANKY KONG'S HUT, EVENING. We join DONKEY KONG, CRANKY KONG, and DIDDY KONG as they do something completely irrelevant.)
"DK, you god damn idiot! Why do we even bother keeping your worthless ass around?"
"Yeah, DK. You kind of suck real hard."
"Aw come on, Little Buddy! You already know that I know that I'm a total dumb shit."
(SONG GOES HERE)
(Donkey Kong finishes his song, CRANKY and DIDDY are apathetic. DONKEY KONG places a gun into his mouth, and pulls back the hammer.)
(The gunshot rings out, like a massive sigh of relief over all of Kongo Bongo. The terror is over. DONKEY KONG's constant stupidity will never be a cause of problems for anyone ever again.)