Jared appears to be in so much pain that he can't even say that he is playing Virtual Hydlide.

Virtual Hydlide
Upload Date September 4th 2013
Series ProReview

Score A Hydlide out of ten

Synopsis Edit

Jared can't even say the game's name as he struggles to introduce it. Jared is upset just looking at the title screen, mostly because Atlus of all companies published this game.

Jared introduces the story, and because it is on the Sega Saturn, it must contain Full Motion Video. Varalys is shown (and Jared compares Varalys' sprites from the previous games). Jared describes the story in the same exact way he did for Hydlide, before realizing that Virtual Hydlide is a remake!

Virtual Hydlide sells itself as having randomly generated worlds, which sounds impressive, but it is worthless. Jared is horrified by the portly, rag-wearing 'hero' that makes Jim the Knight look like a badass. Why is the main hero in FMV? Also, trees can kill the player in one hit, F#@k you, nature.

Jared is frustrated at the fact that there is no sense of depth perception in this game, so he would miss an enemy he thought he would have hit. There is no indication of taking damage, so Jared was losing health without knowing it - apart from occasionally bending over as if he got punched in the dick.

Players get nothing for fighting monsters. They are only there for slightly getting the player off course. The dungeons are always the same, its just the overworld and locations of things that are affected by the random generation. The frame rate is so bad, Jared had a better experience using an old View Master toy.

Jared needs to go to the graveyard for some reason, where he finds some awkward-looking armor, and becomes cursed. The weight system from Super Hydlide is back, making the game more annoying, and he can't take the armor off. Jared finds a Magic Sword - that shoots no magic. Jared finds a scroll, and uses it on his Magic Sword. The game tells him that the item is a Magic Sword. Jared then explains that scrolls can do bad things too, like cursing items instead!

Jared makes his way to a mansion and controlling here sucks, and Jared makes a recipe for "I Don't Want to Play this game anymore!" He gets to the first boss against a vampire - which is very easy to do with his sword. Jared decides to actually find a fairy - and the first is in one of the trees. Touching the wrong tree and BEEEESSS! Portly guy the knight - killed by bees!

Jared finds a dark sword that locks onto enemies making the game so much easier, with the only drawback being that it costs points. Jared compares this to losing a child with every swing - because he doesn't care about kids! Everyone accused the original Hydlide of being a rip-off of the original Legend of Zelda (it wasn't), but this one has a Master Sword.

Jared finds some even more ridiculous looking armor, before making his way into a volcano, which has an even worse camera system because there are hills there - and some sections of the floor that burn the player to death. The dragon boss has three times the health of every other boss so far, because each head has its own health bar. Jared doesn't think he's shown enough of him dying yet, so shows a montage of his deaths!

There is another boss that takes inspiration from the Peahats from Zelda, and Jared notes that this is the third comparison he has made to The Legend of Zelda so far. Jared finds a shop and states that unless the player has screwed something up (like turning armor into a herb!), everything there can be found for free in the overworld, so there isn't much point to it.

Suddenly, Jared is terrified by a sudden platforming level that he can't find where he needs to jump to because there is no draw distance, and wonders why the map looks like a Pac-Man maze! The sword that is needed to beat the eel boss is hidden somewhere in the Pac-Man maze!

Jared gets the last fairy, and they take him into the anus of Varalys' castle and has to fight the vampire again who calls Jared a pimp? Jared gets to Varalys, who looks completely different to any other version of Varalys seen before including the opening sequence.

Jared pew-pews his sword and kills Varalys. The fairies come together to bring back the princess - who needs a hair straightener. The princess is distracted by a bird flying by, and awkwardly looks at the camera. Followed by brief credits. The end send off is the word 'Congratulations', identical to the end of Hydlide. Jared is furious.

What else could Jared compare this to? Virtual Hydlide takes its formula from the deeply flawed Hydlide, and makes it worse by making combat pointless. It tries to add replayability, but there is nothing worth going back for. The game feels incomplete and ambitious. They were too proud of their world generator. The game manual says that there are over 40 billion different combinations, making it impossible to play the same game twice. They got that part right!

Trivia Edit

  • Even though it is a remake, parts of Super Hydlide were added in including the weight system.
  • This was only released for the Sega Saturn.
  • Jared states that he doesn't like children.